If I could I would leave everything and go out to Africa or Greece as a missionary. If I could I would get into a Bible School or University and spend my days learning about God, talking about Him, knowing His heart, listening to His voice...If I could I would be braver, more audacious, and talk to people about Salvation through Jesus whenever I can.
I feel so little. So insignificant. So sinful. I know God used people who were mere sinners, common human beings to do extraordinary things. I know I will never ever actually feel capable or worthy to do anything that big, but God can certainly use me. But how? It seems to me that the only way I could do things for God would be to stop working, stop focusing in the things of this world and focus on the things that are eternal, right? I mean, I rush so much every morning to go to work that I almost don't have time to read the Bible and pray. I'm so worried about bills, and health, and school, and trying to figure if it's really worthy staying here without my family or not...I keep on trying to fight against bad habits and thoughts and attitudes that I know are not pleasing God. I keep on trying to tell God how important it is that He gives me a husband just as I've always dreamed. I've been failing so much as a friend to people. I got so hurt that I just can't do it. I need some healing.
If I could I would have made different choices. If I could I would have amnesia, just so I would forget everything that I did wrongly. God's grace is amazing. I know He forgives me. But I can't forgive myself. Why did I ever let sin get into my life? How could I not win over temptation? I always step over my own values and beliefs. I can't stand up for who I am and what I believe. I want to shout NO to sin, but I don't. I've taught kids about God's power, God's love, God's will. But who am I to teach if I can't apply it to my own life?
What difference can I make in this world if I feel drowned into my mistakes. It's like a burden so heavy to carry. I feel like Christian, in that book "The Pilgrim's Progress", walking towards the Narrow Gate carrying that huge burden in his back.