Very hurt

These past 6 months of my life have been so difficult. I was talking to God asking what is it that He wants me to learn with all of this. Is it time for me to go back to Brazil? Isn't it cowardice to leave problems behind though?
My heart is broken in so many pieces that I don't even know which piece is more important to be restored. I just want to be alone and cry and sleep, and cry and sleep...
Someone was talking to me about the way some people keep on making bad choices and then don't know why so many problems happen to them. I've made some very bad choices, but I regret them, I asked God for forgiveness, and I know his blood washes me clean. Still, I feel like nothing will ever make me forget what I've done. It will be with me always. It hurts that I have to keep it to myself. What is it that causes so much pain?
I've nurtured for some time beautiful dreams about my husband. About us going out for missions together, telling people the Good News of the Word of God. I dreamed about being a missionary, about serving the Lord with all my heart....what happened to all that? It was stolen from me. It was taken. But I want it back.